Most religions have their quirks, but Mormons and Scientologists really take the cake on silliness.
Mormons
- The devil is an elderly African-American and blacks are ugly, stupid animals: “But let them apostatize, and they will become gray-haired, wrinkled, and black, just like the Devil”
“You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind.” — Brigham Young, Second Prophet and President of the Mormon Church for 30 years.
Young, who is also believed to have ordered the killing of 120 innocent men, women and children in the Mountain Meadows Massacre is respected and revered by all Mormons to this day….they even named a University after him.)
- Wanna be a Mormon? Pay the toll: Mormons are required to pay 10% of their income to the church. If they don’t, kick ‘em out of the church: “they shall not be found worthy to abide among you.” (don’t worry, they’ll use your money wisely)
- Don’t drink wine, bathe in it: Mormons can’t drink coffee, use tobacco or drink alcohol: “And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.”
You can forget about a nice cup of hot cocoa or tea as well: “And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.” And as far as food – no meat – unless it’s winter time or you’re starving: “And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.”
- A “prophet” with a hotline direct to god: And the next revelator is….*drum roll*….Thomas Monson! Come on down! “For behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, that ye have received a commandment for a law unto my church, through him whom I have appointed unto you to receive commandments and revelations from my hand.” (by the way, if you ever are “called” to write divinely inspired scripture, it helps to use words like “behold” and “verily”….and two verily’s in a row? Even better!)
- God’s floating around up there with a body just like ours: “The Father has a body of flesh and bones as tangible as man’s.” If this is the case, why hasn’t the Hubble Telescope seen him yet?
- The Mormon Heaven Pyramid Scheme: Mormons believe there are three tiers of heaven….and this pyramid is definitely bottom-heavy. If you are among the “liars, and sorcerers, and adulterers, and whoremongers, and whosoever loves and makes a lie.”, you’re not going to hell, just to the ground floor of heaven. Even murderers go to heaven! The only people in hell are:
1. The devil
2. The devil’s angels
2. Holy Ghost blasphemers/deniers (the “unpardonable sin”)
- And…my personal favorite: Polygamy! Seriously, who wouldn’t want 20 wives! (still practiced in secret by fundamentalists)
“Joseph Smith [founder of the Mormon religion] was a con man who took money from farmers on the dishonest promise of finding gold on their property, which he never did. He then hit on an even greater scam, claiming to find gold tablets that had been buried for centuries. The tablets told of a fantastic story of America being populated by two tribes of Jews who sailed to the New World in 600 BCE. Of course anyone with the slightest knowledge of history or archaeology knows that this story has absolutely no basis in fact. Mormonism is not just wrong, it is provably wrong.” — Victor Stenger
When people asked Joseph Smith to show them these gold tablets, he told them that he “gave them back to the angel Moroni”. How convenient.
Scientologists
“If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.” — L.Ron Hubbard
David Miscavige: Hi, IRS? Hey, this science fiction writer wrote a neat book about space aliens and we thought it was really cool. We started a religion based on his book…..so….um….we’d like to enjoy tax exempt status like other religions.
IRS: Ok. You got it.
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I’m calling the IRS next week about a religion I’m starting. It already has millions of followers….sort of. I’m gonna call it the “The Church of Star Wars”. Our god is an ethereal being called The Force and the devil is Emperor Palpatine and he has demonic angels: Darth Maul and Darth Vader. Our “Jesus” is Luke Skywalker and the holy spirit is Obi-wan-kenobi. Hell is the forest moon of Endor, where you are forced to live in eternity with horrible creatures called Ewoks. You can join my awesome religion. Just send me 10% of your income.
Wait, I thought the world’s most laughable / hypocritical religion involved the guy in the dress in Rome — a nation unto itself with billions in international holdings — who purportedly has never had sexual relations yet dictates sexual conduct; has never parented a child yet dictates proper parenting; and who purportedly worships “Mary” while reducing international womanhood to second-class status. (You can be a nun but not a Priest. You can worship but not speak.)
Bear in mind that this is the same crew who still raises money off the memory of Mother Teresa, who spent decades cradling the sick and dying orphans of Calcutta while simultaneously professing that birth control was a sin that would lead the practitioners to hell. ‘Tis best to be born to starve and die than not to be born at all, eh?
Xenu looks pretty sane next to this bunch…
Abuseguy
[...] For more Mormon ridiculousness, see one of my earlier posts. [...]